Pieces from Paper

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When the Air Force moved my family to Germany, my parents, Alan and Barbara were having a difficult time with their marriage. They had already been married for fourteen years, but they were not communicating effectively and weren't doing anything to fix that. Even though I was nine years old at the time, I only occasionally noticed it and did not think that it was as bad as it really was. My mom said that she would yell at my dad to get a reaction from him, but my dad would close down and become reserved so that he would not get hurt by her words or tone of voice. As my dad became reserved, my mom would yell louder to try to get her anger and frustration through to him. This would cause him to become even more reserved. Thus, an endless cycle would start. My mom would yell, my dad would withdraw. My mom would yell even louder, my dad would withdraw even father. If there was ever a time when my parents would have thought about getting a divorce, it was then. "There were times when I was telling him 'I hate you,'" my mom said, "but I never thought about leaving him. Divorce never even crossed my mind." Even though she felt hatred for him, she still loved him. With his arm around my mom, my dad recalled, "There were times when we couldn't even talk to each other. However, it was during those times that we held onto each other even more." What would have been the cause for divorce for other people was embraced by my parents as a time to grow together. When they said "for better or for worse," they really meant it. With a gleam of love for my father in her eye, my mom explained, "It was in the worse times that we experienced the better, because we were completely relying on each other [so that they could get through it]." They love each other and always have. They are committed to each other and always have been. Those two concepts, love and commitment, seem to be inseparable. If you love someone, then you are committed to them. My dad said this so concisely when he firmly stated, "Love is commitment. (insert rest of quote)" My parents have now been married for over twenty-two years. They are love each other even more and are even more committed to each other.

It is not the touchy-feely love that holds a marriage together. "The tingles," as Gary Chapman, (insert qualifications), calls those feelings, are not always going to be there. Couples still have to work or go to school. During a work or school day, walking around constantly feeling the tingles of love would be tiresome. "The tingles" would get old and hard to sustain, especially when children come along. My parents said that their relationship changed a lot after they had their first child. ...

Over the past several years, I have made it a point of observing married couples and engaged couples. (continue observations made as well as point & support for observations)

... "Divorce is not an option." For most people, that would be too forward and blunt, especially so early on in the planning stage. It would seem too narrow and confining. People do not like to be confined. They do not like for the choices or options to be limited. America is the land of opportunity. It is also the land of diversity. Not only are there numerous different nationalities that are immersed in our culture and our heritage, but there are also numerous different options available to Americans. When going to the grocery story, there is usually a whole aisle dedicated to chips. There are so many different flavors, brands, textures, colors, styles, and tastes of chips available for the person who is not sure what mood they are in to stand there and let their head spin. Coming from Germany, where there were only about four to six options, I was overwhelmed when I saw that enormous aisle full of poofy bags of chips. It was so difficult for me to chose the one that I wanted, to evaluate them all and finally decided to buy it. These days, Americans seem to look at marriage in a similar way as they look at their favorite bag of chips. When they don't love the taste of that chip anymore and no longer enjoy it, they move on to a different bag. After all, there are so many good chips to chose from, why just stick with one? In marriage, a lot of Americans seem to think that after they stop loving the person and enjoying them, then they should divorce and move on to a new relationship. After all, there are so many good people out there to chose from, why just stick with one?

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