Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Step 6 - So What?
Marriage must be founded on a strong commitment between the two people involved in order to strongly stand against the storms of this world, including the threat of divorce and communication ineffectiveness.
Dialogue
Why is commitment important in marriage?
Marriage is commitment. When you get up in front of a room full of people and declare that you will love someone until death, that is a commitment. If you didn't mean it, you should say it. If you are not committed to your spouse, you can't expect your spouse to be committed to you. Then you will never fully trust each other. I don't think it is wise to live your life with someone who you do not trust.
How is commitment established in a marriage?
I already mentioned that trust was important. Trust in marriage is a major factor involved in commitment. When you trust someone, you are more open and honest with them. My research uncovered the importance of being open and honest in ones marriage. Effective communication in marriage is important so that you can be open and honest and understand each other better. There were several counseling sites that I encountered that stressed this issue.
How do you allay fears that a marriage may end in divorce?
It all seems to come back to commitment. If the two are committed to each other "'til death do us part," then the fear of divorce should not even be an issue. If two people are not necessarily committed or have not thought about it, the threat is there. However, it all depends on how strong the marriage is as it faces the tests of time. Strong marriages involve strong commitments which should not be bothered by fears of divorce since they have no grounds to be.
Marriage is commitment. When you get up in front of a room full of people and declare that you will love someone until death, that is a commitment. If you didn't mean it, you should say it. If you are not committed to your spouse, you can't expect your spouse to be committed to you. Then you will never fully trust each other. I don't think it is wise to live your life with someone who you do not trust.
How is commitment established in a marriage?
I already mentioned that trust was important. Trust in marriage is a major factor involved in commitment. When you trust someone, you are more open and honest with them. My research uncovered the importance of being open and honest in ones marriage. Effective communication in marriage is important so that you can be open and honest and understand each other better. There were several counseling sites that I encountered that stressed this issue.
How do you allay fears that a marriage may end in divorce?
It all seems to come back to commitment. If the two are committed to each other "'til death do us part," then the fear of divorce should not even be an issue. If two people are not necessarily committed or have not thought about it, the threat is there. However, it all depends on how strong the marriage is as it faces the tests of time. Strong marriages involve strong commitments which should not be bothered by fears of divorce since they have no grounds to be.
Moments, Stories, People, & Scenes
Watching my parents' relationship flourish over the years and grow stronger each passing day was a living example to me of what commitment in marriage should look like. Even though there were times when I was younger that I remember my parents having a particularly difficult disagreement, they still were able to work things out after having a "time out" to think rationally, recollect their thoughts, and restate what they were trying to communicate in a better way. While I was researching, I came across a good story about a gentleman who was talking to a young couple at an ATM. The gentleman asked the girl why she was making a transaction. She explained that she had to pay for half of their dinner. The gentleman then went on to say that it shouldn't be like that. It made me think about how our society has such an individualistic view of life that it is almost frowned upon for a husband and wife to be one and to share almost everything. Why do people marry if there is even the possibility that "it won't work out"? Can they truly commit themselves to someone who may not be in it for the long term? There seems to not be as much endurance as there should be. If my parents had not been committed to one another, their marriage could have ended before I was born. If couples look at arguments as my parents, then they would have to find a way to "work things out." There was only one good reason for divorce according to my research and that was abuse.
Step 3 - Eight Minute Fastwrite
What first made me think about researching marriage was when I heard that there was a German politician who wanted to make marriages have expiration dates. That made me think about how differently people view marriage. For some it is about the money, for some the love, and for others the relationship. It seemed absurd to me that someone would even think about making marriages expire. So, I decided to research marriage. Marriage is a broad topic, so I narrowed it down to what I thought was my real interest. I wanted to know about marriage commitment. Today, divorce is so common, that it would seem that people do not really care about the commitment that marriage should be or used to be because they are so easy to break that. As I researched, I was surprised to find that there were a lot of people who shared and reinforced my view. They talked about the lack of commitment and also about the importance of effective communication.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Paraphrase Activity
Wallerstein, Judith and Sandra Blakeslee. "Chapter 1: Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?" The Good Marriage. © 1995 by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Reprinted by permission of Ticknor & Fields/Houghton Mifflin Co. 16 & 18 Oct. 2007 <http://www.hachettebookgroupusa.com/books/32/0446672483/chapter_excerpt10952.html>
Sections from Text
"In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time—and everyone knows it, including the children. There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage —adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say,
for whatever reason, I want out." Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse.
"Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. This situation has powerful ripple effects that touch us all. The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up.
"To understand how our social fabric has been transformed, think of marriage as an institution acted upon by centripetal forces pulling inward and centrifugal forces pulling outward. In times past the centripetal forces—law, tradition, religion, parental influence—exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart."
Summary
The realities of divorce are very real. It is almost impossible to not know someone who has a direct connection to the divorce of their parents or has been divorced themselves. It is very sad that so many marriages are ended today over issues or problems that couples have dealt with and overcome for years. Divorce is just so easy. Not only do children fear the divorce of their parents, but young men and women fear that they, themselves, will one day experience the pain of a divorce. The strong ties that influenced couples to remain married are not as strong as they once were. Marriage difficulties have a stronger influence to pull couples apart than the strong ties which unite them.
Direct Quotes
"Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. "
This is an important statistic for my paper. I like the way that it is stated, it is very concise and effective.
"For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time. ... There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage —adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say, for whatever reason, 'I want out.' Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse."
This is, again, so concise and straightforward. It is such such an abrupt, simple example of how simple it really is nowadays.
Paraphrase
"In times past the centripetal forces—law, tradition, religion, parental influence—exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart."
A long time ago, marriage used to be held together by tradition, religion, parental influence, and the law. Today, marriages are easily dissolved by "infidelity, abuse, financial [problems], failed expectations," or the desire to explore on their own. They are not based on the ideals held so strongly by our ancestors.
"The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up."
Divorce has long reaching affects, not only on those immediately involved, but also those indirectly involved. Everyone has been or is affected by divorce to some degree. It is a fear with which young men and women struggle, especially those who are contemplating marriage.
Sections from Text
"In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time—and everyone knows it, including the children. There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage —adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say,
for whatever reason, I want out." Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse.
"Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. This situation has powerful ripple effects that touch us all. The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up.
"To understand how our social fabric has been transformed, think of marriage as an institution acted upon by centripetal forces pulling inward and centrifugal forces pulling outward. In times past the centripetal forces—law, tradition, religion, parental influence—exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart."
Summary
The realities of divorce are very real. It is almost impossible to not know someone who has a direct connection to the divorce of their parents or has been divorced themselves. It is very sad that so many marriages are ended today over issues or problems that couples have dealt with and overcome for years. Divorce is just so easy. Not only do children fear the divorce of their parents, but young men and women fear that they, themselves, will one day experience the pain of a divorce. The strong ties that influenced couples to remain married are not as strong as they once were. Marriage difficulties have a stronger influence to pull couples apart than the strong ties which unite them.
Direct Quotes
"Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. "
This is an important statistic for my paper. I like the way that it is stated, it is very concise and effective.
"For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time. ... There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage —adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say, for whatever reason, 'I want out.' Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse."
This is, again, so concise and straightforward. It is such such an abrupt, simple example of how simple it really is nowadays.
Paraphrase
"In times past the centripetal forces—law, tradition, religion, parental influence—exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart."
A long time ago, marriage used to be held together by tradition, religion, parental influence, and the law. Today, marriages are easily dissolved by "infidelity, abuse, financial [problems], failed expectations," or the desire to explore on their own. They are not based on the ideals held so strongly by our ancestors.
"The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up."
Divorce has long reaching affects, not only on those immediately involved, but also those indirectly involved. Everyone has been or is affected by divorce to some degree. It is a fear with which young men and women struggle, especially those who are contemplating marriage.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Narrative Notetaking
Focusing Question: What is involved in a strong marriage?
Source: Wallerstein, Judith and Sandra Blakeslee. "Chapter 1: Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?" The Good Marriage. © 1995 by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Reprinted by permission of Ticknor & Fields/Houghton Mifflin Co. 16 & 18 Oct. 2007 <http://www.hachettebookgroupusa.com/books/32/0446672483/chapter_excerpt10952.html>
Layer 1: Story the Source
This first chapter in a book is about the writer's findings about divorce and also marriage principles. It talks about studies and observations which were conducted about marriages. There is intersting information about how second marriages compare to first marriages. "Happiness" in marriage is also an issue discussed about what it means to have a happy marriage and to be happy in ones marriage. She conducted several interviews with couples to find out more information on a personal level and she includes some of these conversations in this chapter. She made the observation that marriages have changed over the years and talks about those changes. Explaining that this book is not a "how-to" book, she tells her readers that it is about her observations from which she thinks and hopes people can learn and understand for fully. She has several interesting historical notes about the changes in marriage over the years. Her purpose is stated in the last paragraph. She wants to help people see how it is possible to develop "good marriages in a culture of divorce."
Layer 2: Rapid Summary
Almost all of the information contained in this chapter sounds important for my paper. The points about how marriages have become so easily disolved seems to be a theme and the reason for her research. She talks a lot about the coomplexity of relationships involved in a marriage and all the emotions and factors that contribute to its success or its downfall.
Layer 3: Narrative of Thought
When I was reading this chapter, I realised that we share a lot of the same veiws and she brought up points that support my views of which I had not thought. I already knew that "happy marriages are not carefree. There are good times and bad times, and certainly partners may face serious crises together or separately." It has been good to see that reiterated over and over again throughout my research. It is an important point and something I think is taken forgrated. Just because one is married does not mean life will be easier. If it did, the divorce rate would not be so high. "One very important goal of the study was to find out what people in these marriages meant by 'happy.'" This is something that I have been trying to answer myself. Her notes about this are insightful and I am sure I will be using them in my paper. "In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time... Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse." This bothers me, even though I know it to be true. This clearly addresses the fact that there is such a lack of commitment to marriages today. How did we slip so low? When will people realize how damaging this issue is not only to themselves, but all of the family members and friends involved?
Source: Wallerstein, Judith and Sandra Blakeslee. "Chapter 1: Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?" The Good Marriage. © 1995 by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. Reprinted by permission of Ticknor & Fields/Houghton Mifflin Co. 16 & 18 Oct. 2007 <http://www.hachettebookgroupusa.com/books/32/0446672483/chapter_excerpt10952.html>
Layer 1: Story the Source
This first chapter in a book is about the writer's findings about divorce and also marriage principles. It talks about studies and observations which were conducted about marriages. There is intersting information about how second marriages compare to first marriages. "Happiness" in marriage is also an issue discussed about what it means to have a happy marriage and to be happy in ones marriage. She conducted several interviews with couples to find out more information on a personal level and she includes some of these conversations in this chapter. She made the observation that marriages have changed over the years and talks about those changes. Explaining that this book is not a "how-to" book, she tells her readers that it is about her observations from which she thinks and hopes people can learn and understand for fully. She has several interesting historical notes about the changes in marriage over the years. Her purpose is stated in the last paragraph. She wants to help people see how it is possible to develop "good marriages in a culture of divorce."
Layer 2: Rapid Summary
Almost all of the information contained in this chapter sounds important for my paper. The points about how marriages have become so easily disolved seems to be a theme and the reason for her research. She talks a lot about the coomplexity of relationships involved in a marriage and all the emotions and factors that contribute to its success or its downfall.
Layer 3: Narrative of Thought
When I was reading this chapter, I realised that we share a lot of the same veiws and she brought up points that support my views of which I had not thought. I already knew that "happy marriages are not carefree. There are good times and bad times, and certainly partners may face serious crises together or separately." It has been good to see that reiterated over and over again throughout my research. It is an important point and something I think is taken forgrated. Just because one is married does not mean life will be easier. If it did, the divorce rate would not be so high. "One very important goal of the study was to find out what people in these marriages meant by 'happy.'" This is something that I have been trying to answer myself. Her notes about this are insightful and I am sure I will be using them in my paper. "In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time... Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse." This bothers me, even though I know it to be true. This clearly addresses the fact that there is such a lack of commitment to marriages today. How did we slip so low? When will people realize how damaging this issue is not only to themselves, but all of the family members and friends involved?
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